I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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