He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
