dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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