1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
