He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
