Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
whose parrot is this?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
