my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
