my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
