if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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