I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
