So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
