Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
