I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
