so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
