When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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