I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
