The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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