My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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