Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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