I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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