If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
