haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
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