Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
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Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
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Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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