Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
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