Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
