thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
