My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
