I'm going to jail i love you
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
