I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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