We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Randomize
