Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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