i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
being pregnant is like rehab
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You pole danced in your parka.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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