I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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