My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
