Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
it hurts more in the daytime
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
