please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
