did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Randomize
