This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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