$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
His nipple licking is glorious
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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