Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
