youre lurking in front of me
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Randomize
