bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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