I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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