I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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