i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
