There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
