awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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