He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
