Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
