I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
