good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize
