My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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