I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
