I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
