I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
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We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
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Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
God I need to hump something, right now.
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