So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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